An Honest Letter of Love
An Honest Letter of Love
We all fall somewhere on the Agreeableness and Disagreeableness scale. If both people in a relationship are very agreeable, then it might be difficult to share what they truly need from each other. When partners are total opposites, then the more agreeable will most likely withdraw to avoid confrontation. If both are very disagreeable, then everything becomes a competition to be the Top Dog. As iron sharpens iron, sometimes a good verbal sparring may be needed to restore equilibrium.
When partners must discuss serious relational and future-based issues, their triggered responses, separate histories, and life experiences may be counter-productive and stop them from getting to the true heart of the matter. All of us have expectations, needs, and wants, and until mind-reading becomes a thing, we won’t truly know what the other needs are. So, at the threshold of your future together, you may find that there is some wisdom to be learned from history. If we can’t say what we expect and need, maybe we can write it down. We may be able to compromise on some things, but we cannot permanently live in a state of compromise.
In the Jewish culture, the groom writes a Ketubah – a type of marriage letter to his wife-to-be. The letter is then presented to her, so that she can take some time to study what her groom-to-be intends for their future to be like. This letter will cover all his promises to her, but also all his expectations. Everything from finances, future children and how they would be raised, home life, and even his sexual desires are penned down. All his wants, needs, and desires are laid out before her. She will then study it and decide whether she will be able to meet his needs. There is room for negotiation, but both parties eventually must be satisfied by the outcome.
In this spirit I want to encourage you to write an honest love letter to your loved one. Bare your heart and soul and cover everything that is of importance to you. As you enter the process of planning your wedding and preparing for your married life, the two of you will become one. You are just a bride and groom for a day, but husband and wife until death do you part. Share your hopes, dreams, and desires with each other. Write everything down with honesty, and then exchange letters. Take some time to each read your partner’s letter, thinking about what they are asking for, but don’t respond. Just study and ponder these sacred and private letters. I would suggest taking at least a week to think about what you have read, then mark out all the areas you have issues with, so that when you are ready, the both of you can discuss and negotiate any potential issues. In this way you will get to the very heart of the real issues, as understanding brings wisdom and change.
As you journey together towards marriage, my hope is that you will use every opportunity to get to know the precious person holding your hand. Two can be better than one and deep intimacy lays a gift beyond all earthly measures.
